I let men use my body to heal themselves.
I thought that the more I loved someone, the more I could help them.
I used my sex, heart, soul, mind, and everything about me as a salve for THEIR wounds even if it made my wounds bigger.
I didn't mind being with them if it hurt me or felt neglectful or abusive. I just liked the feeling of being needed and wanted.
I liked being Florence Nightingale and feeling important and like someone's happiness and self-worth depended on me.
I wrote a poem about it a long time ago. One line read, "Let me give birth to your tragedies so you can get some sleep."
I mistook helping for love.
I mistook saving for partnership.
I was always walking on egg shells not allowed to talk about their addictions, their hurts, but felt it all like a brick and carried it in my heart. At least I knew how to make them happy.
To tell you the truth it made the sex hotter.
If something felt deeply wrong it was like: "Oh I'm with you DESPITE you, look how HOT THIS IS. Look how romantic."
It turned me on to re-traumatize myself: be close to men who would not love me in the way I deserved to be loved.
Maybe it was my childhood sexual abuse, maybe it was the divorce, maybe it's just the shadow in all people: that propensity for being ignored and diminished sometimes.
It took me years and years to channel my healing gifts into my WORK and not into my PARTNERSHIPS.
This is the normal struggle for healers: sometimes when our gifts our new and not fully developed, we think we need to help EVERYONE except OURSELVES.
We get upset when someone is mean towards us because deep down we are trying to FIX them and make them better, but we know we can't.
We spend all of this energy trying to make people better, love us more fuller, have better lives, and forget ourselves in the process.
But today we make a choice.
We choose to channel all of that hunger for love, closeness, intimacy, for saving and being saved, to our OWN PRECIOUS SOULS.
We only spend time where we are getting spiritually and heartfully fed.
We bring our hands back to our body and feel our own skin.
We take care of our own healing first. We no longer get dragged around by someone else's drama.
We don't need that distraction anymore.
We are fully awakening more every day to our RIGHT to be here, even if we help no one and just lay around in our pajamas all day.
To being there for ourselves and letting in that bliss of being.