I Was Sucking At My Business

I've had a major awakening.

MAJOR.

Like a bird pooping on my head awakening.

Like lightning hitting the house in the middle of the night.

I've realized my business can be EASY and FUN and not RIP ME A NEW ONE.

To get where I’m coming from here, think of something in your life that you've been trying to maintain at some intense not so fun level like:

- your marriage

- job

- friendships

- your round ass

- being a “good mother”

- your business

- being a caretaker

Or maybe ALL of those things if you’re MY kind of crazy.

You’ll know what the thing is because you sacrifice EVERYTHING to make it work. Primarily your sanity and your health (Remember those precious little things?)

THEN

You find yourself tired, binging on Netflix and Doritos, and feeling like some kind of screw up.

Welcome to my life.

I've been busting my ass spreading all my energy thin thinking that I have to be crazed in order to be successful.

That somehow they GO TOGETHER.

That is a badge of honor to be tired and overwhelmed.

Let me paint you a picture:

Woman begins business. Women does healing sessions that bring her clients tears of joy. Woman loves this. Instead of letting this awesome shit grow and help every woman and their mother, woman thinks “I GOTTA DO SOMETHING ELSE and keep up with everyone. I gotta get all fancy and shit. Plus this is TOO EASY I gotta SUFFER for my keep and this is TOO HARD it takes too much energy!” Woman starts A MILLION OF OTHER PROJECTS:

 

  • An on-line virtual community for women

  • A podcast

  • Workshops

  • Courses

  • Hyperventilating past 11pm 

Women than does a-okay in these arenas helping some people but mostly feeling like a FRAUD.

Are you familiar with this woman? Do you know her?

She is in every BURNED OUT, PISSED OFF, SEXLESS WONDER that you see on the street. Maybe even that hot one in the mirror.

When you’re burned out you’re SUPER sensitive to feeling less than or not good enough because your brain is not firing at full capacity so things like anxiety, depression, compulsively checking Facebook RESULT! Plus whenever anyone wants anything or doesn’t like something you did you’re like, “ANOTHER ASSHOLE TO DEAL WITH.”  

I’m going to help you here. Don't put me in the category of another self help asshole, someone else saying you’re not good enough.

Because you so are.  

You are not broken no matter what your brain is telling you. Honestly you are probably one of the most gifted, loving, fucking amazing women this world has seen yet. Because only you with all of your amazing ideas to change the world, would feel so overwhelmed. It kinda comes with the territory of being a creator at times. You don’t need to punish yourself anymore for it though. You just need some time to re asses and get REAL about your priorities, that’s it. Oh and sleep too, that would be nice. And maybe a shower.

I’m going to tell you how to GET FREE from the rat race and ENJOY your life like it’s the only one you have. I’m going to share how I turned EVERYTHING around.

This is the magic: Fucking quit EVERYTHING.

It’s a unicorn-like experience.  Heavenly, really. Being a big old flake and going on hiatus from all of the things you compulsively do, is the first step on having a life you LOVE and not love to hate.

I get that not all of us can hide in a hole for a week, lay in bed, and tell the world to go fuck themselves. But that’s what I pretty much did. I was realizing what I was doing was just not working, so I did the most responsible thought out thing I could do:

Fall into a nice depression and make mental lists of why I was an asshole. Not exercising, eating healthy, or calling back friends are also BRILLIANT additions I threw in there just because I REALLY LIKE TO SUFFER and I’m learning to let that die too. (That’s for a different newsletter.)

Even if you can’t hide from the world-- you CAN do some kind of version of that.

Go on a long walk to clear your head. Go on a long weekend alone to a hotel. Go outside and get away from your computer so you can think about what YOU want instead of what everyone else is doing.

Seriously, really, unplug yourself from technology. It’s full of mothers who make gourmet meals on the daily with tiny waists, while they run a thriving business and own a sense of intense animal magnetism. It is bombarding you with everyone else’s brilliant ideas that you SWEAR you had and should be doing.  

Guess what: you can’t do a million things and do them all well.

Somethings got to give.

For me it was my sense of feeling accomplished and truly making a real long lasting difference in the world. Plus my health. I got pains in my stomach not linked to anything but my stress. Also my marriage. My husband missed me and more importantly, I missed me.

Instead of seeing through my original goal for my business, nurturing it so it blossomed into a mature ass adult, I dropped it on its ass and left it outside in a basket for someone else to raise. I was afraid of having time and space to focus on this goal because I felt GUILTY for not being busy.

So that’s the next step: knock off feeling guilty when you’re happy and life is EASY. And just let it be simple.

We can get addicted to the chaos: the messy house, the toxic relationship, the 9-5 job that is sucking out our joy.  Okay so those things in and of themselves are NOT WRONG. Actually they are not all that bad other than the fact that we don’t like them and want to make them BAD and label them with all of these judgements.

We’ve grown so accustomed to shit not working that we often PERPETUATE IT just to have something to talk about, complain about, something to worry about when everything is okay.

I, too, get a bit uneasy when I have time to breathe. When I can relax at the end of the day instead of burn that midnight oil.  It gets hard having down time without filling it with Facebook scrolling. Why? Well I can find another reason to blame my mother, but I’ve retired my whiney blamey pants and have chosen my gratitude pants instead. Besides, when I stop blaming other people for my actions this crazy thing happens:

I can actually CHANGE and have the life I want plus my relationships, like the one with my mom, are so freaking awesome. I can finally see how amazing she is instead of being perpetually hurt by some warp ass view of her.

That’s the next step: stop blaming other people for your burnout. Own your burn out.

It’s not your kids, your job, your mom. It’s not your postman who gives you weird looks when you come outside to get the paper in your pit stained pajamas. It is you. So look at yo’ self.

But not in a “oh my god I’m such a fuck up kind of way” because that’s just another smoke screen hiding the truth and our ability to soar. Plus it keeps us having to prove our worth doing shit that makes us dead in side. Instead look at yourself and say, “I get to choose how I feel every day and what I do, and that’s damn awesome.”

I thought I had to prove myself. Starting my own business surrounded by many people who DO NOT do that type of thing especially being a woman healer in a world of normals, I thought I had to be all like, “Oh yes I do a million of things, aren’t you fucking impressed? SEE I AM WORTHY OF RESPECT NOW.”

The fact that I chose to overrun myself and do a million things, is no one’s fault but my own.  It doesn’t matter what advice I was given, what was working, what someone thought I should do. It only mattered what was best for me and the women I served. Which ultimately is always, ALWAYS just focusing on something and doing that with every ounce of my being.

Which brings me to my next tasty morsel of truth: Focus your energy. Laser beam your eyes to your prize and never let go.

Does that mean you can’t do the things you love? No way. The things you love you CAN DO just maybe not in the same way you were doing it before.

For example: You can be a mom and work but maybe you CAN’T also do everyone’s laundry every day plus keep your legs shaved and skinny like an eight year old’s.  You gotta source some shit out and you get to choose what that is. Delegate baby, DELEGATE. Hire someone to shave your legs while feeding you bon bon's. Okay at least just ounce ;-)

Let your partner make you dinner, let your friend help you clean up your house, let your mom watch the kids. Carpool most days and don’t give up Zumba if you can help it. Let go of some of that control so you can have more time and energy for the important things like: pooping.

You will become a lot better at the things you choose to spend your time on when you actually spend time on them.

For me it meant that I had to cancel courses, groups, that I had to close my online community, that I had to simply come back to the foundation of my business and let that be enough.

And that process was TERRIFYING. It feels amazing now, but it didn't initially. It just doesn’t feel good to be not as great at all the things and admit that to myself.  It feels like poop to understand that no matter how much I think I can write my book, while building my business, while not eating myself into an early grave, is totally possible, it’s just really not. At least not for me.

Maybe it is for that one woman you know and you will probably read about it on her Facebook and want to shoot yourself.

SPARE YOURSELF INSTEAD

And that is my final point: spare yourself. Spend more time with the things that JAZZ YOU UP instead of BREAK YOU DOWN.

Okay when you are as burned out as I was, everything is a pain in the ass. Simply the sun shining in the morning is a fucking bitch who is way too bright and happy.

I get that.

But you know the things you truly love about yourself and your life and if you’ve forgotten, go and remember QUICK. That is your life jacket.

Since I've cut out the junk, I can't believe how much SEXY SPACE I have (as Melissa Cassera calls it). I have fun, breathe, stretch, enjoy the outdoors (they exist!). I can have a long talk with a friend instead of feeling guilty and rushing off! It feels AMAZING to enjoy life like this! PLUS I'm getting better at my craft EVERY DAY because I'm actually spending time working on it and not just doing it in between other projects. Not to mention my creative juices are FLOWING now that I take time to actually fill them up!!!! It's still hard to keep up with shaving my legs every day, though. Haven't mastered that.

Look, you do not have to ADD more things to your life to do because I know under all that burnout is the thing you love the most that you’ve had the entire time, it just got lost for a bit.

I had to remember my FIRST passion, my deepest love: watching women heal old wounds and come alive in a way they never thought possible. That, literally, is my reason for my being on this Earth. I knew it since I was 18 when instead of killing myself I decided I had to go to school to be a therapist to help other women. Especially women who survived sexual abuse, abuse through religion, depression, an eating disorder, and so much other fun stuff.

I knew it when I performed the Vagina Monologues in my undergrad so proud of the chance to talk about my body without shame, inspiring others to do the same.

I knew it when I began a feminist literary journal giving voice to the female perspective.

I knew it when I started working in community mental health and began a trauma healing course and a movement therapy group that left a lasting impact.

I knew it when I left to begin my own business where I could color outside of the lines of conventional mental health and create a modality of healing that has been the most effective thing I’ve seen help people EVER. I am biased a bit, but shit. This. Just amazing.

And you know what you’re amazing at something too. Go on and make a list like I did above, because you have SO MUCH you've already contributed to this world. It's just a matter of returning to it. When you’re quiet enough you can feel that pull on your heart to love this world through that one thing. Maybe it’s really important and big and maybe it doesn’t seem as important, but it’s JUST as important. Because it’s the thing that only YOU can do. It’s YOUR THING.

And don't worry you will do ALL of the things eventually if it's really important to you, just not all right now.  Now you will let yourself focus on that one THING and do it BRILLIANTLY. OWN IT. DO IT. BREATHE IT. Bake it with a “b” for UNSTOPPABLE BITCH and love it with all of your ability.


And by all means tell me all about it. I want to hear about how you’re manifesting the life of your dreams and where you need help so I can be even more effective in my work. It’s also nice to know that I’m not the only one out here learning how to come back from the ledge of insanity.  Tell me!

                                                        Love,

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